President Obama Speech to the Nation Nominating Howard Dean as Vice President

TEXT OF SPEECH:

“We are a nation with bad comedy writers like Letterman, who now thinks that the President of the United States is off limits. Well, let me tell you this. The time has come to end all childish things. And so, starting Mon., anyone who voted for me gets a free CAT scan and a 4 year supply of Zanax, not because you all need it, which you do, but for the good of the nation. I’m also ditching the entire Cabinet and replacing them with Weird Al Yankovic, Pee Wee Herman, George Michael and Kanye West, so that the idiocy of you people is put on display.

Am I worried about being thrown out of office over this? Not a chance. We just traded Biden to Pakistan as part of a piece deal between them and India. I’ve nominated Howard Dean to be my Vice President. If he’s not confirmed, my back-up consists of a toss up between Cindy Sheehan, Lindsay Lohan and the Energizer Bunny. As of this moment, I’m leaning toward the rabbit.

This new Cabinet will ensure the greatest level of transparency in government in the history of the nation. No more pretensions. The results of letting amateur rap stars, drug addicts and college kids vote 3 times and of having ACORN register Mickey Mouse and Goofy to vote, with one of them actually being given a provisional ballot by a poll worker who was sipping something in a bottle covered in masking tape that read “I can’t believe it’s not water” must be made clear. Here, America, is the government you just elected. Do I want all these fools with me on a daily bases? To be frank without mentioning Barney, no. But we’re a package deal. It’s their party and they’ll cry if they want to. It’s about power sharing.

And with that I introduce to you my new Secretary of Homeland Security (yes, Napolitano's gone too). He comes with credentials that surpass all of his predecessors, including a stint as assistant professor at Berkeley. His friends call him Ted. But you may know him as the Unabomber.

His nomination is assured. Even Republicans like him. The new Senator from New Hampshire has praised his innovative spirit and ingenuity. Now are there any questions from the media? (PAUSE... SILENCE...) I didn’t think so.”